There are plenty of situations in life where you can agree to disagree.
But sometimes, that’s simply not an option, especially in situations where someone else’s views and beliefs—and expression of those views and beliefs—hurt you or violate your boundaries.
While most of us don’t like difficult conversations or enjoy conflict, we know that avoiding hard conversations doesn’t make our problems go away. It’s best to proactively address issues with the people in our lives through open and honest communication (whenever safe and possible).
We’ve compiled a list of tips on how to have difficult conversations with people who disagree with you.
1. Set your intentions for the conversation.
Some questions to ponder or journal about beforehand include:
-
Why are you having this conversation?
-
What points do you want to be sure to address?
-
What is your goal in having this conversation? What do you hope to achieve?
-
How will you take care of yourself if things don’t go well?
2. Choose the right environment.
The time and place will likely depend on who you’re having a conversation with. If it’s a partner or family member, it might be in the privacy of your home. If it’s a boss or colleague, it will likely be at your place of work. Sometimes, choosing a neutral environment – such as a coffee shop or park – can be helpful. The goal is to choose a place that is relatively private and feels safe to all parties. It’s also important to have the conversation at a time when everyone’s attention can be undivided. If there are distractions or stressors, consider rescheduling.
3. Ground yourself. It’s important to make sure you’re in the right headspace for a difficult conversation. Doing a brief breathing and/or grounding exercise beforehand can calm your nervous system, clear your head, and make a big difference when it comes time to have the talk. When we steady our breathing, we steady our minds.
4. Use “I” statements.
When expressing your feelings to the other person, use “I” statements. People are more likely to hear us out when we keep it about us and our feelings vs. making “you” statements, which can be interpreted as an attack and lead to escalation and shutdown. “I” statements can be formatted like this: “I feel [emotion] when you [objective action]” or “When you said ____, I felt ____.”
5. Apply empathy. Even when someone’s actions are frustrating and hurtful to us, we’ll get a lot farther if we bring empathy to the conversation. Empathy does not excuse bad behavior or mistreatment. Rather, it helps us understand the other person’s perspective and feelings based on their unique life experiences, including past traumatic events that may have shaped their opinions. At the end of the day, we’re all human beings, and most of us just want to feel seen, heard and understood. Put simply, empathy humanizes.
6. Expect discomfort.
A little bit (or maybe a lot!) of awkwardness, tension, or discomfort is inevitable when confronting someone about something you know you disagree with. It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong!
7. Find common ground.
Focus on finding what you have in common with this person – and what your shared value or goal is in having this conversation. Maybe it’s improving your communication and setting boundaries around how you discuss divisive issues. Or, perhaps, the shared goal is not losing the relationship altogether. If you’re able to isolate the common ground, you’re in a better position to work collaboratively against the problem instead of against each other.
8. Be willing to come back to it. Rome wasn’t built in a day! Some issues require multiple conversations with an established amount of time and space in between to cool off (if things get heated) and reflect.
9. Seek professional help.
If you’ve tried having the conversation on your own more than once, and you’re not getting anywhere, it might be time to seek professional help. Some issues are simply more complex and require professional mediation, such as a therapist.
The New York State Trauma-Informed Network and Resource Center (NYS TINRC) strives to assist and support all New Yorkers with effective trauma-informed practices that improve their well-being. We are committed to fostering training and resources that connect all of us to safe, trusting, and supportive care. Since trauma intertwines and interferes with race, age, history, culture, language, and more, the NYS TINRC believes that an intersectional approach in trauma-responsive care can be helpful not only for each of us but for collaborative communities and organizations.
The NYS TINRC ENews is produced by CCSI. The views, opinions, and content expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect the views, opinions, or policies of the New York State Office of Mental Health (NYS OMH).